Toilet seats

Alright ladies, this one is for you. Not for you in the sense that it's for your benefit, but rather I am directing this rant at you.

Fucking toilet seats. That's right. Toilet seats.

If I go into one more bathroom and see a little sign posted above the toilet that says "Please put the seat down after use" I think I'm going to break something. Come on now, how retarded are you? Fuck. Okay, let's see if I can get through this coherently.

I can only assume that my fellow women enter a bathroom with their eyes closed, hike up their skirts or drop their pants and then proceed to back their bare asses into the toilet without once glancing at the thing and then plop down with all the force they can muster. I really should install some cameras in a restroom sometime to witness this feat.

If you're curious, do you want to know what I do?
I look at the goddamn toilet. Just a quick glance - it doesn't require a thorough thirty minute inspection. I check that the seat is down, the lid is up and that it isn't artfully sprinkled with feces, urine or blood. Only then do I proceed to use the toilet.

I had an accident once. I was in the second grade at school. I had been holding in my pee for probably two hours longer than I had previously managed in my entire life. I really, really had to "go". When I reached the school toilets, I made the fatal mistake of not looking and sat on the only toilet in the whole school that had a lid. The lid was down.
I had to borrow a spare pair of jeans from my teacher that day. I have never done it again.
I learned from my mistake when I was six years old. Six. That was older than I should have been. Now explain something to me: how are grown women falling into toilets and planting their asses on toilet lids? Did they simply fail to learn from their mistake the first time? The second time? The third time?

Not only is there a group of people who are seemingly incapable of learning a very simple habit, but they then go on to blame it on men. They have the audacity to place the onus of responsible toilet usage completely on someone else who is not present in the restroom! Innocent men are being blamed for dunked butts and soiled bottoms and people simply accept this as the way things are supposed to be. I really pity the poor guys who get chewed out by their girlfriends, wives and society - it must be really hard to bite back the retorts that I'm sure come to mind.

Men manage to get up in the middle of the night, groggy with sleep, and pee in the toilet. Men have to aim, ladies. ('less they're one of the admirable few who realize sitting down is the better way ;) ) All you have to do is check the toilet. You don't even need to turn the light on - just touch the toilet. Is it covered? Is it porcelain? If so, adjust the toilet before use. It's simple. I promise. I've been doing it since I was six years old. I could do it backwards and blindfolded - although I suspect that most of the female population does do it backward and blindfolded, with less success...

You know what the problem is, ladies? You are making me look bad. When people see me go to the washroom, they are thinking "Haha, there goes a silly girl about to dunk her butt in toilet water because all women fail to look at the toilet before using it". I feel embarrassed for my gender when I see those little signs posted in bathrooms. I feel angry when I hear women shrilly complaining about toilet seats being left up. I am bewildered when I watch stand up comedy and sometimes it's because they have a bit about The Toilet Seat. This is just... inexcusable idiocy.

In my house, we put the lid down (even though our reason for doing so is more myth than fact), so I'm always in the habit of checking before I sit down. I would suggest that maybe my fellow females should start doing the same, to gently ease them into the habit of looking before sitting... if they should suffer any embarrassments during the learning process, at least they are in the privacy of their own home.

I swear, one of these days I'm going to start counter posting: "Women, please look before sitting. YOU and YOU ALONE are accountable for responsible toilet use."

10 things about

Toilet seats
  1. I'm getting a bit scared..... I think I AM you.
    I have never read a blog where I puch my fist into the air and shout 'YES!' so consistently.

  2. I am totally linking to this, bravo!

  3. Haha, I *knew* I couldn't be the only person to be thinking this!

  4. The difference being, men DON'T actually have to aim. They don't. They can sit down, just like the rest of us and hence, avoid the tedious 'aiming' process, which so often fails miserably. But no, they like to stand, and try aiming. They like it.

    Do I like it? No. Because it means there's urine sprinkled either on the seat if they forget to put it up, or on the actual rim of the toilet, if they do.

    So, if they're going to do this 'aiming' business, the least they can do is put the seat down after they've used it. I don't like having to touch the seat. They think touching the seat is worthwhile if it allows them the luxury of standing. Great.

    As long as you leave it how you found it.

  5. :P
    I'm lucky in that my boyfriend sits on the toilet, so I never have to deal with urine sprinkles.

    I love him all the more for it.

  6. If your boyfriend sits, whence comes the problem? If he sits, there's no issue of the seat being up in the first place.

    Surely, if you're talking about seats being up, you know that the problem arises from them choosing to stand..?

  7. I don't have a problem with toilet seats because I always look before I sit.

    I'm complaining about the stereotype of women always complaining about the seats because it's silly. :P

  8. Lol, no, you're addressing the *issue* of women complaining about the seats, not the stereotype of it.

    It's not silly! I've just explained why it's not silly! You seemed to agree!

    The reason I complain is because their little luxurious standing-up time (completely unnecessary, and more messy than the alternative) causes me to have to TOUCH the toilet seat, in order to put it down. Screw that! If you do something, to make life easier for yourself, it's only polite that it doesn't inconvenience others in the process.

    Furthermore, they're touching the seat in the first place to put it up, they might as well touch it to put it down, right?

    None of this is retarded!

  9. Repost from Coffee Shop:

    I agree with you, women who think they are entitled to a downed toilet seat is living in a fantasy world. I always look before I sit, in fact, most of the time I don't even sit (getting the ass gasket in place takes too long) I hover instead.

    Luckily for me however, my husband was trained as a child to have impeccable aim and therefore doesn't even put the toilet seat up. I want to hug his mother every time I see her because of that. :)
    BTW, I love your graphics!


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