So apparently I'm an introvert

Between twenty and thirty percent of the population is introverted. I am one of them.

This really shouldn't come as a surprise to me, but I constantly realize the implications of it. I am one of those people who get uncomfortable at parties. I am unhappy at bars because I can't hear myself think. I don't mind large crowds of strangers but I am afraid of large crowds of acquaintances. As I'm typing this the CS association room just filled up with a bunch of other CS students and I'm strongly considering packing up and fleeing. I thought CS kids were supposed to be shy and reserved? I'm currently alienated out of my own peer group.

I don't want to be.

We live in an extroverted world. Our world is structured to reward and understand people who like people. Growing up I always, always got the impression that I was missing out on something significant because I never went to parties, wanted to play sports and/or be constantly surrounded by people. I have something like four good friends and that's all I can handle. I want to constantly be around those four specific people and no one else. I get attached to people very strongly and very quickly and am constantly paranoid about people not liking me. I know I'm weird. I know that normal (extroverted) people will never understand or want to be friends with me. And that fucking hurts, guys.

If I could I would become an extrovert. I would love to thrive on contact with people. Extroverts seem to lead much more interesting lives: while I'm at home blogging, reading or just fucking off, they're out doing stuff. I could never do that - as I am right now I cannot be happy doing normal activities. I often go days without leaving our apartment and it doesn't seem to bother me. But apparently this means I'm broken. I had someone tell me once, "Oh, you're one of those boring people who don't have friends or know how to have fun." and fuck that stung. Because I am - but why is it a bad thing?

I am sick of being told - explicitly or implicitly - that I'm broken and weird. By whose standards? What does it matter that I prefer to be alone than with a crowd of people? It's frustrating to recognize that I will never fit in with the majority of people. The only thing that makes me feel better is that as education level (and IQ) increases so does introversion... so for most of my life I can hope to have at least a few introverts hanging around.

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So apparently I'm an introvert
  1. I feel like I'm more an introvert than extrovert, and for the past few summers, all my mom's had to say is that I'm a "hermit." And you're right, it's really great to be told something you already know in the back of your head and don't want to be reminded of. Right. I see nothing wrong with not leaving the house/apartment/where ever everyday. But I think its important to try to still socialize with people everyday.

    Really the only thing I could suggest is simply forcing yourself to be social, finding more friends who can relate and don't need to party every day (they are out there), and if that fails, try not to worry about it. Stress doesn't help anything, this I know from experience.


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