I'd like to have returned with great tales of interest, or at least some reasonable excuse as to why I haven't been writing. Part of it is the 'old writer's block - my seemingly increasing inability to say the things I want in a way that is pleasant to read. Another part of it is that my semester is coming to a close and things are getting a little hectic. With the increasing stress (and, I suspect the coming of my period), I was momentarily thrown into a rather sharp spiral of hopelessness, depression and despair.
My tactic in dealing with these emotions is generally to cry a lot and hide from things. Those "things" are usually school work, people, the sun, and my keyboard. But! I'm starting to feel a bit better now. Overall I've been feeling better for longer, probably due in part to my school's excellent counselling services. There is sun peeking out from the grey clouds yet... (Speaking of which, Mother Nature played a rather cruel April Fools prank on us yesterday - thirty centimetres of snow on April 1st, after two weeks of mild weather. What the shit, Nature?)
Over the last little while I've come to startling realizations about myself. It's so strange to come to these - things that are probably painfully obvious to other people about your personality or life that just never occurred to you.
Realization number one is that I am actually a fully-fledged ditz. It's so strange to think of that - I'm airy, "not all there," easily confused, peppy and generally kind of dumb. Not only am I a flake, but I've been that way all my life. And yet, like any egotistical human, I have assumed until recently that I was rather observant, calm and rational. Not so, apparently. Thinking back on my life it is - as I said above - painfully obvious. I'm very good at cocking things up, am fantastically spacey, have an unfair number of "light bulb" moments and have lots of stories of me being dumb. A very interesting discovery. [As T likes to say, WIS is my dump stat]
There are others: discovering that I, inexplicably, have a mind for programming. That I am abnormally afraid of people and authority figures. That it's not normal to not care about music. That I have adult tastes when it comes to food [and nearly always have. My favourite vegetable when I was a kid is a tie between spinach and broccoli. What the hell kind of kid likes spinach?]. Realizing that I'm not particularly ugly. [something I had always assumed to be true] That I am lazy and unable to self-motivate. That store clerks in tech shops pester me just because I'm female, and not because they do it to everyone...
I've long wondered what a stranger peering into my life would think. I think they'd like to give me a good smack on the head.