Back from something or other

Greetings, blogosphere!

I'd like to have returned with great tales of interest, or at least some reasonable excuse as to why I haven't been writing. Part of it is the 'old writer's block - my seemingly increasing inability to say the things I want in a way that is pleasant to read. Another part of it is that my semester is coming to a close and things are getting a little hectic. With the increasing stress (and, I suspect the coming of my period), I was momentarily thrown into a rather sharp spiral of hopelessness, depression and despair.

My tactic in dealing with these emotions is generally to cry a lot and hide from things. Those "things" are usually school work, people, the sun, and my keyboard. But! I'm starting to feel a bit better now. Overall I've been feeling better for longer, probably due in part to my school's excellent counselling services. There is sun peeking out from the grey clouds yet... (Speaking of which, Mother Nature played a rather cruel April Fools prank on us yesterday - thirty centimetres of snow on April 1st, after two weeks of mild weather. What the shit, Nature?)

Over the last little while I've come to startling realizations about myself. It's so strange to come to these - things that are probably painfully obvious to other people about your personality or life that just never occurred to you.

Realization number one is that I am actually a fully-fledged ditz. It's so strange to think of that - I'm airy, "not all there," easily confused, peppy and generally kind of dumb. Not only am I a flake, but I've been that way all my life. And yet, like any egotistical human, I have assumed until recently that I was rather observant, calm and rational. Not so, apparently. Thinking back on my life it is - as I said above - painfully obvious. I'm very good at cocking things up, am fantastically spacey, have an unfair number of "light bulb" moments and have lots of stories of me being dumb. A very interesting discovery. [As T likes to say, WIS is my dump stat]

I also discovered the other day that I am probably allergic to bananas and pineapples. My best friend was eating a banana, and didn't want to finish it. "I'll finish it if you don't want to waste it," I offered, "though I don't like how they make your mouth tingly." He was rather confused by this statement, thinking maybe I meant how bananas make your mouth filmy? "No," I insisted, "they tingle. Kind of irritated, they hurt. Like pineapples!" I was then assured that bananas and pineapples are not supposed to hurt when you eat them and I had to go and ponder that for a while. Suddenly discovering at the age of 21 that you are mildly allergic to bananas is startling and rather absurd, I have to say.

Realizing that I was actually a bit of a weirdo in high school. I had never really fit in - not even with the weird kids, haha - and a couple of days ago I remembered that sometimes I would dress up for school. Some days I'd decide, "I'm going to be a gypsy today" and I'd wear my gypsy-themed junior prom dress to school. other days I'd be a hippy, or a goth, or wear all one colour. The one I remembered particularly is this: for some reason that I cannot possibly fathom (fever? temporary insanity? boredom?) I decided to dress up as a kung-fu artist with a broken arm. All day people were asking "what happened?" as I wandered around with my arm wrapped up in a bit of beige fabric [the belt of my bathrobe, actually]. "Oh, nothing!" I'd chirp in reply. I was wearing loose black pants, an unbuttoned white shirt, and I had tied a black silk belt around my waist.

There are others: discovering that I, inexplicably, have a mind for programming. That I am abnormally afraid of people and authority figures. That it's not normal to not care about music. That I have adult tastes when it comes to food [and nearly always have. My favourite vegetable when I was a kid is a tie between spinach and broccoli. What the hell kind of kid likes spinach?]. Realizing that I'm not particularly ugly. [something I had always assumed to be true] That I am lazy and unable to self-motivate. That store clerks in tech shops pester me just because I'm female, and not because they do it to everyone...

I've long wondered what a stranger peering into my life would think. I think they'd like to give me a good smack on the head.

11 things about

Back from something or other
  1. Dayumn, that's a lot of snow.

    "though I don't like how they make your mouth tingly." Ohhh that made me laugh!

    You've done a lot of wondering this week, but it makes for a good post - NEARLY worth the wait. Ok, it was worth the wait! Welcome back, it feels good when there's light at the end of the academic title, huh?

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  2. It really does, though the prospect of finding a job is terrifying. :P

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  3. Aww, friend, don't call yourself a ditz! You seem really intelligent to me. Call yourself an "absent-minded professor." There. Isn't that better? (My fifth-grade teacher called me that and the accuracy has haunted me ever since.) (Hmm. funny memory... might write a post about that someday.)

    And your stories of dressing up in high school?! Hilarious. That's a pretty picture of you!

    Alllso, one of my friends recently diagnosed herself with Social Anxiety Disorder, you might want to look into that ("abnormally afraid of people and authority figures"). I don't know if it would make you feel any better, but if you're getting counseling anyway it might be worth bringing up.

    Happy you're back and that things are starting to look up for you. No pressure to write posts when you don't feel like it, though, we'll all still be here : ) Good luck with finals!

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  4. i'm glad that you came out of the funk. it's great that you had a support system to help you get there, but it's awesome that you used it

    take care xo

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  5. Ugh, funks suck. Glad you seem to be on the upswing! Nothing wrong with being a ditz or an oddball, just have fun with it. :)

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  6. Really glad to see you back!!

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  7. April: I like that... "absent minded professor"... hmmm... Oh, and I suspect I have some sort of anxiety problem, but naming doesn't really help in this case. Too bad there aren't specific treatments for things like this other than anxiety meds and therapy. do you think in the future we can get vaccines for anxiety? That would be AWESOME.

    A: Thanks, I'm glad I finally started using it... there were a few years where it was just me alone, and poor T trying to understand. We're doing much better with it now!

    Bio: Haha, I try my best to have fun with it, but sometimes... being normal is easier, eh?

    Stu: Thanks! I still have lots of work/studying but it's less scary seeming now and I definitely feel the blogging bug again.

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  8. Anxiety sucks. Just keep your chin up and don't sweat the small stuff. As for your personal "quirks" and characteristics, you should be celebrating them. Laughing does wonders for anxiety. I make fun of my "drawbacks" (if you can even call them that) all the time and it oddly helps me feel better :).

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  9. Tratz: yeah, it makes me feel better too. Being able to laugh at myself instead of feeling insecure and self-conscious really helps a lot.

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  10. Hey, I'm allergic to pineapples too! I also had that "wait, your mouth ISN'T supposed to hurt after eating them?" moment. Haha.

    But then, I also threw up after eating chocolate with nuts, and kept eating it (and subsequently getting sick from it) for years before realizing I'm deathly allergic to nuts. >_<

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  11. Pink: That's... it's probably a good thing you figured out you were allergic to nuts, haha.

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